byNamrata SheshadriAug 30, 2016 #ThingsToDo 1 Likes
These ‘Single Miss’ articles began as the brainchild of Fashion Bombay to illustrate that not all single girls fell into the neatly slotted roles of “desperately waiting to get married” or “oh-so-jaded.” In fact, the goal was to eliminate the idea of roles altogether – ‘single’ was not going to be synonymous with a status, a state of being (ooh how meta), an adjective, a statement; it’s just a word like any other. Of course, life would be a lot easier (but probably less entertaining) if everyone realized that.
I don’t know how it is around the world, but in India, once you’ve reached a certain age (and you’re never quite sure what it is, anywhere between puberty and boob-saggage), people feel like it’s their God-given right to question you on your single status (I’m lookin’ at you, Aunty!). The ruder and more intrusive the questions, the better. You’re going to come out of that conversation feeling more probed than your last visit to the gynaecologist. And really, after a certain point, all you can do is laugh about it.
So I’m paying it forward and hoping this provides you with a few laughs. Here are the most obnoxious things people say to a single girl of a certain age:
- “See Namrata. Women are like this can of soup. Shelf life is short, and the expiry date is approaching. It is best consumed before the date on the bottom. See? Here the date is stamped.” I was tempted to go to the bathroom after this just to check whether there were numbers stamped on my derriere.
- “Once your looks start to go, you won’t be so smug about being alone.” Erm, I think you unwittingly complimented me by implying I HAD looks that would go….so…thank you?
- “Now look, at your cousin’s wedding, for God’s sake don’t tell people your real age. Say 27. Honestly, it’s a pity you can’t pass for 23 anymore!” Yeah, really should’ve saved up for Botox, just for Chumki’s shaadi…my bad.
- “Not looking to get married, huh? Yeah, there’s a word for girls like that…” ::cue the up-and-down look and derisive smirk:: There’s more than one word for guys like you, but I’ll limit myself to ‘braindead’.
- “What do you mean you have no plans to get married now? You think boys will want you forever? Really, there are younger models coming along every day!” Same with the boys, actually – and you know what they say about younger men and their enthusiasm!
- “Never going to get married? Does that mean you’re never going to…::whisper:: you know?” Ah, Aunty, bless your innocence. Or inquisitiveness. Whatever it’s called.
- “Do you think it’s because you put on so much weight?” I can’t believe you said that! It’s the elephant in the room….oh no, wait, that’s just me.
- “You’ll break your poor mother’s heart if she finds out you’re one of those new lesbian things.” When did I say that? And since when do you speak for my mother? Last I knew, she didn’t speak ‘prejudiced nincompoop’.
- “Maybe it’s because of your tattoos? A lot of boys think girls with tattoos are sluts, you know.” There’s one for the scientists to research – tattooed skin equals loose morals. Who knew? Has anyone published a study on this?
- “Darling, don’t get me wrong, but at your age, a little nip and tuck is just advisable, you know. It’s good sense. God forbid the right man comes along, you don’t want to actually look your age.”::cue tinkling laugh:: Ooh, great idea! Why don’t you come with me? While they’re fixing my laugh lines, maybe they can do something about your personality?
They say the road to hell is paved with good intentions. I wouldn’t want to hazard a guess as to these people’s intentions, or whether they’re headed to hell or worse! But at least it makes for great dinner party conversation!
Namrata Sheshadri is just a 30-something banker navigating the tricky area between living the single life and politely (sometimes) dodging set-ups and douchebags. Throw in a little dessert and it’s a pretty sweet life.
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