Top 10 things I want to say when people ask me “Why are you still single?”
“It’s a disease. I’m romantically retarded. There’s no cure. Would you like to donate to the charity for others like me?”
::Whoosh:: “I’m a little too attached to my flamethrower.”
“Well, I just gave birth to the Antichrist, and being a single mom doesn’t leave a lot of time for dating. Not surprisingly, the Devil isn’t into diaper duty.”
“Oh Aunty, I’m so glad you asked. I thought there’d never be an opportune time to tell you how I feel about you, but now that you’ve brought it up…”
“I had a boyfriend. He finished the last slice of chocolate cake. No one’s seen him since then.”
“What do you mean, single? Meet my boyfriend Karan!” ::Pat the empty space next to you suggestively and slightly inappropriately::
“The scientists on my home planet told me that mating with a human would result in mass extinction on Earth.”
“I’m saving myself for Donald Trump. No other man comes close in terms of style and class – and what fabulous hair!”
“I’m actually in a polyamorous relationship with the voices in my head – Spike, Angel and Buffy.”
::Cue violin music and dramatic close-up:: “I was once in love, but he left me, shattered my heart to pieces and those pieces to powder, and I don’t know how I go on day after day after torrid day…” Continue in the same vein until you see their eyes glaze over with boredom and regret and they will never ask you another question. Ever.
Namrata Sheshadri is just a 30-something banker navigating the tricky area between living the single life and politely (sometimes) dodging set-ups and douchebags. Throw in a little dessert and it’s a pretty sweet life.